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There is a war going on in our country that is breaking apart American families. It is the United States Military’s policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Pursue, Don’t Harass” (DADT). In the past years it has been brought to the attention of not only the GLBT community but our society as a whole that this set of policies is dangerously flawed. As many states make efforts to further gay rights, and military personnel serving in European nations are given the right of serving openly, we in the USA are left wondering, “why not us, too.”

I will be exploring the affect DADT has on military families throughout the next few issues in hopes of exploring how this affects not just our GLBT military personnel, but our society as a whole. This week I will be looking into dependents’ rights that are surrendered because of a service member’s need to hide their sexual orientation. While awareness has prompted many media stories regaling us with tales of Arabic interpreters being discharged or service members being harassed and living in fear of being discovered, as well as the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) taking their “Legacy of Service Tour” across the country to further expose this injustice, there seems to be little said about the families of the service members. In many ways they are the most hard-hit.

Just as in the civilian world, the right to claim your partner and children on your medical, dental, life insurance, etc. is one that is often taken for granted by opposite-sex couples. However, while it may be difficult to obtain these benefits while working for a private company or corporation, when serving in the military the simple act of claiming a child could mean your entire livelihood is gone. Essentially, you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Military families are given certain benefits for spouses, children, and other dependents such as children who’s financial support is provided by the serviceperson and sometimes ex-spouses. One of the benefits of claiming dependents is the cost of living stipend. Those serving in all branches are given a higher monthly housing allowance if they have a spouse or children than if they are not claiming any dependents at all – essentially, they receive a higher pay grade for having a family. While any child whose main source of support comes from a serviceperson can be claimed as a dependent, the act of claiming a non-biological child (whether legally adopted or not) that is also the dependent of a same-sex partner could potentially lead to an investigation. Additionally, military housing that is provided to families on bases where it is available is also not provided to “single” or “unmarried” personnel. So, while married military families are given housing support, GLBT service members cannot even request this without putting themselves in danger. It is also required that all dependents be enrolled in the Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System (DEERS). To fail to do so could result in censure – thus the double-edged sword.
Another major loss to military families are survivor benefits should the military member die while serving. While a non-relative may be listed by the serviceperson as the beneficiary of the Survivor Benefit Plan (SBP), disputes over survivorship may arise. In a study published by the Duke Journal of Gender Law & Policy in 2007 it is cited that, “…SBP lists a hierarchy of beneficiaries to be followed in dispersing benefits upon the service member’s death. In these SBP cases, a court’s determination that a marriage to a service member is valid has been integral in upholding conveyance of benefits.” While it may invite scrutiny to place a same-sex partner as the beneficiary, even that risk is not a sure-fire way to ensure that a partner is provided with survivor benefits. And, let’s face it, being in the military means the likelihood of dying on the job is vastly increased – even in times of peace. The only way to ensure that loved ones are taken care of when a military family member is lost is through marriage – an act that is strictly forbidden by the DADT policy.

Finally, the greatest risk of all is total loss of all familial and personal benefits should the military member’s sexual identity be revealed and a discharged be issued. A dishonorable discharge would, ultimately, strip the service member and their dependents of all military-related benefits (e.g., retirement, medical, base privileges). As many states begin to provide marriage, civil union or domestic partnership benefits to protect the rights of same-sex couples, military families are still banned from participating. The act of seeking marital rights is enough to issue a dishonorable discharge. So, as states such as Massachusetts make same-sex marriage legal, more and more military personnel are seeking early retirement from their military careers in order to provide benefits to their families.

Once an individual is a veteran, they are no longer required to abide by DADT regulations and are free to be open in their sexuality and to claim their children and partners to the legal extent of the law. However, survivorship issues still arise. While marriage is the only way that one can ensure their partner will be recognized, many medical and other military-related privileges are not issued to same-sex partners as civilian dependents of a military retiree. Those who are guaranteed these benefits are children under the age of 21 (biological or adopted), legally married spouses, and sometimes ex-spouses. In the instance that a GLBT service member was previously engaged in an opposite-sex marriage while serving, then divorced, the former spouse would be the individual who would receive retirement benefits – not the current same-sex partner.

Navigating the restrictions under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has been troublesome since it was first enacted. While some may claim it is better than it was before, it still leaves our military personnel and, more seriously, their families in the lurch. There are some ways in which military service men and women have found to help them maintain their family lives and their service careers. The Service Member’s Legal Defense Netword (SLDN) even provides resources to those in such difficult positions, even publishing a “survival guide” that is downloadable on their website at www.sldn.org. But, until the DADT rules are lifted and same-sex partners can be shown holding one-another in a loving embrace as they welcome their loved-ones back from war, there will be no peace – at home or abroad.

Are you a military dependent, current personnel or a retired veteran who would like to share your story with us? Please feel free to contact Rhonda Brown @ r.brown@stonewallnews.net to help us illuminate how DADT has affected you.