Sometimes simmering workplace feuds can bubble along under the surface. You know they are there, because of a sense of unspoken tension between two or more people who work together. But often such low-level tensions are ignored in the interest of keeping the peace. In some cases, such feuds start off being one sided, when one person is offended by or simply doesn't like another employee and shows this in subtle ways. Some common methods include quiet putdowns; indirect insults; or passive–aggressive tactics, such as agreeing to take on certain responsibilities for a joint assignment and not doing them properly or at all, so the disliked person ends up looking bad. As such guerrilla hostilities continue, the victim is likely to strike back, perhaps by some undercover action, too. An unspoken feud can easily escalate and heat up, creating a truly steamy brew that can explode and spread to others.

That's what happened to Betty, an office manager who handled program planning at a health service. She wasn't sure exactly how the problem started, but she noticed that the administrative assistant, Allison, who was supposed to help coordinate her meetings and trainings, seemed to have some kind of gripe against her. Betty felt this way because of how Allison reacted on numerous occasions. Allison repeatedly sounded annoyed when Betty asked her to provide the material she needed for a presentation. Allison made several easily avoidable mistakes in getting requested equipment. At meetings, Allison offered subtle putdowns, suggesting Betty wasn't competent, with remarks such as: "Didn't you hear me when I told you three times?"

At first, Betty attributed Allison's actions to her simply having a bad day. But as the actions added up, Betty saw a pattern, as if she were the target of an office sniper. For instance, one time Betty needed a laptop computer and projector for a PowerPoint presentation. When Betty made her request, Allison sounded hesitant, at which point Betty offered to go directly to the equipment department. Allison quickly responded defensively: "No, don't do it. I'll take care of it," as if Betty was threatening to usurp her authority in taking care of getting the equipment herself. Then at the meeting, though Allison brought the equipment, she hadn't learned how to set it up, and when Betty offered to try to do so, Allison refused to let her try if she hadn't done this before. "I'm responsible for the equipment," she said. The result was that Betty couldn't use the equipment for her training program. Another time, Betty didn't hear what Allison said at a meeting, and when Betty asked Allison to repeat it, Allison jumped on her, accusing her of being rude for not listening.

The culminating incident came a few weeks later, at the end of a meeting. Betty was uncertain about what another employee's responsibilities were after the woman resigned from a position, and a new person agreed to take over some of her responsibilities. But it wasn't clear to Betty who was doing what now, and when she asked for clarification, Allison snapped at her: "Oh, weren't you at that meeting?" Though Betty let the remark pass without an immediate response, she was clearly hurt, and as she added up the dozens of remarks and actions by Allison over the last two months, she felt something was clearly wrong. But she wasn't sure what the problem was and wasn't sure what to do. Continue to ignore such behavior and hope for the best? Confront Allison privately to bring her motivation out in the open? Raise the problem for discussion at a meeting where she might gain support? Fight back covertly to put Allison on notice that she wasn't going to take her rude insults and actions anymore? Or what?

What Should Betty Do?

Here are some possibilities. In Betty's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be?

• Ignore Allison's putdowns, mistakes, and lack of responsive behavior; think of them as Allison's problem rather than taking them personally, and hope things will get smoothed over if you don't stir up the pot.

• Arrange for a private meeting with Allison and ask her what the problem is and what you can do to help resolve whatever's bothering her.

• Bring up her experiences at a staff meeting to alert others to the problem, gain their support, and prevent Allison from continuing to get away with her actions.

• Find a way to undermine Allison quietly and expose her bad behavior to others, so maybe she'll lose her job.

• Find a co-worker on good terms with Allison to step in, find out what the problem is, and try to work things out between you.

• Other?

Resolving such conflicts can be tricky, because you are dealing with covert and indirect behavior, like the low-volume static on a radio playing in the background. As the volume increases, it is more likely to attract attention; and if you don't take action, the volume will get louder and louder, and the noise can increasingly interfere with good working relationships. The process is much like what happens when a bubbling kettle heats up until it finally explodes, if you don't let out the steam. Worse, as a toxic relationship continues, it not only harms the original parties, but can also negatively affect everyone in the office with its poisonous fumes.

Thus, when such a problem continues for a while, find a way to "turn down the volume," just as you might release steam from an overheated kettle. But should you be the one to do it? At times a direct conversation is the best approach. You ask the other person if you did anything to offend him or her and have a productive discussion to clear the air. Sometimes, particularly when the other person is being furtive, it's better to bring in a neutral third party, especially someone who knows you both.

For instance, if Betty were to contact Allison directly, Allison might immediately get defensive, deny she did anything to hurt or insult Betty, or perhaps argue and hurl back even more insults, escalating the problem still further. By contrast, a neutral third party who is already friends with Allison might be just the antidote to start the healing process and set the stage for a frank discussion promoting reconciliation. The neutral third party might be better able to do this, since Allison might feel safe enough to air her feelings and reasons for her actions, without thinking she has to protect herself from someone she already feels negative about. Then, after an opening discussion gets the reasons for the problem on the table, the neutral third party can act as a mediator, helping to find a resolution by bringing the parties in conflict together and generally clearing the air.

In this case, that's exactly what Betty did. She called Ben, a colleague who knew them both, and described the escalating series of events that led her to feel Allison was upset about something she might have done. As it turned out, Allison had imagined some offhand comment of Betty's showed a lack of respect for her, and rather than saying anything to clear the air, had continued to feel quietly angry. After Ben reassured Betty that he hadn't noticed anything offensive about Betty's own behavior, he said he would talk to Allison, which he did, helping to set the stage for a peaceful resolution.

In sum, as a workplace feud starts to build, turn down the volume before it becomes too loud. At the same time, consider if you are the one to do this, or if it may be best to have someone else help you do it.

Conclusion

• To turn down the volume on a conflict, sometimes it's better to have someone do it for you.

• Just like you get rid of static on the radio to get a clear channel, in a conflict, bringing things out in the open can promote clarity and get rid of the noise.

• If you sense that someone is acting covertly against you, that's like detecting low-level static on the radio. Seek to eliminate the problem as soon as possible, so the channel—and the relationship—becomes clear again.

• Remember that people have their own receptions—like thoseon a radio—and tune in to different levels, so that some people are more sensitive than others. What one person means as a quiet joking comment can sound like a loud hurtful insult to the other. If so, it's time to turn down the volume on that broadcast, too