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Craftsmen wanted

Fully booked

Language lessons at the florist`s

Cats would buy goldfish flakes

Two customers less

Make yourself at home

Please hold the line

Project `Christmas gifts for our customers`

Cool Caribbean dream

Wanted ~ fashion consultant

We hope you have enjoyed flying with us

In the retirement home

No overhead projector required

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‘Dear colleagues! Time flies. Yet another year has passed, and… blah, blah, blah.’

Just three sentences, but from the lips of Herbert Huber, these three little sentences mean the beginning of a very long speech. ‘I would like to say just a few words… blah, blah, blah,’ he continues, while we, his ‘dear colleagues’, sit lined up like battery chickens, staring at the soup going cold in front of us. ‘With your help, the company has once again fought for and maintained its position on what is becoming an increasingly tough market.’ Fight, I think, and in my mind’s eye I see our sales manager struggling valiantly on the battlefield with our remaining customers. But surely you only fight enemies? If Mr Huber is already seeing our customers as ‘the enemy’, perhaps next year we will be spared the ninth edition of the world’s most boring speech.

In fact, Mr Huber is not speaking to his subordinates. He is addressing customers, his in-company customers, so to speak. We know the business better than he does. Unlike him, we still have direct contact with our customers, and we don’t fight them but advise them and cater to their needs. The waitress arrives to offer everyone a second helping of soup, though none of us has had a chance to touch our first helping yet. When she reaches me, I nod, hoping that a ladleful of hot soup will raise the temperature of the now cold first bowl to an acceptable level. ‘As I see, soup and bread have been served, which reminds me of a favourite saying of my grandfather’s, the founder of the company: hard bread is not hard, no bread is hard.’

And just as two-thirds of us are reaching for our spoons, hoping that the time for speeches is over at last and dinner can begin, Mr Huber raises his glass of white wine with the words: ‘I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a pleasant evening. Enjoy your meal!’

Enjoy your meal – that’s the cue we’ve been waiting for. At long last we can turn our attention to our stone-cold soup. Having eaten it, we sit with rumbling stomachs and hope the next course won’t be long coming.

A loud ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ followed by the sound of sleigh bells startles us out of our dreams. Instead of the main course, Father Christmas arrives, looking just like he does in all the picture books and carrying a big jute sack over his shoulder. Herbert Huber’s face breaks out in a broad grin as he proudly beckons Father Christmas onto the stage.

In accordance with the rules of etiquette, every female and then every male employee is called to the front of the room to receive his or her Christmas gift. Herbert Huber shakes hands with each and every one of them: ‘Merry Christmas, Mr Kunze! Merry Christmas, Ms… er…’. ‘Keller,’ the woman, a secretary from block B, tells him. She shakes hands with her boss, Herbert Huber, whom she has seen perhaps 20 times over the last year.

Everyone opens his or her present. A red pottery angel with a blue loop to hang it up by. ‘To match the pottery Father Christmas from last year,’ is my ironical comment, until I remember that I hung last year’s present on my neighbour’s front door.

‘Well, Sir – enjoying yourself, I hope?’ inquires Herbert Huber as he pauses behind my chair on his way around the room. I ought to suggest that he attend a seminar on customer-orientation, but think better of it. Instead, I pick up my little pottery angel, wave it in the air, raise my eyebrows in an expression of seasonal jollity and boom ‘Ho, ho, ho.’

Amazingly good!

Amaze your audience by making your next speech truly interesting and convincing. Making a lasting impression is enough to amaze them. (And by the way, my company offers tailor-made coaching on appearing and speaking in public, teaching you how to structure a speech for your particular audience and how to phrase it in a customer-oriented manner.)