Becoming someone's confidant at work can be flattering. You feel trusted with someone's secrets. You feel plugged in and are privy to behind-the-scenes gossip. You may experience a sense of power. You are consoling someone and giving advice, so you feel helpful and in the know. But if you are not wary, you can fall into the hidden pitfalls of being a confidant. What you know and what you share with a person who confides in you can backfire and blow up in your face.

That's what happened to Barbara, who became friendly with a coworker, Nancy, in a sales and marketing department. They shared many things in common that drew them together: both were 30somethings from Boston, and both were interested in the local art scene. They got in the habit of having lunch together and occasionally called each other to discuss projects they were working on.

After a few weeks, Nancy began sharing more personal observations and concerns with Barbara. Nancy told Barbara how she was having a dispute with her landlord over a noisy tenant, and the landlord wasn't doing anything to fix the problem. Did Barbara think she should withhold some rent as an incentive, Nancy wondered, or did Barbara have other suggestions? Another time, Nancy described having problems with a designer who created a brochure for her. She complained the designer hadn't properly done the work and had claimed too many hours, so Nancy refused to pay her. Now the designer was threatening to sue. What did Barbara think she should do in response?

Barbara felt touched when Nancy first began sharing with her like a trusted friend, and so Barbara shared a few of her own problems in return—a dispute with a car salesman who overcharged her and a misunderstanding with a former employer about a commission that led her to quit the job. Several months later, as Nancy worked extra hours to increase her sales and move up the company ladder, Barbara felt privileged when Nancy began sharing her opinions about other salespeople at the company. Nancy did so at one lunch, when she described how different people in their department were performing or not performing up to expectations. Thereafter, Nancy continued to share such opinions, and a few times she complained to Barbara when people in other departments let her down, such as by giving her incorrect leads. In turn, Barbara shared her sympathy, support, or advice.

Barbara never questioned, however, whether listening to such information was appropriate. She never considered the dangers of sharing about herself. Instead, she felt honored that Nancy would confide in her, particularly since Nancy seemed on a fast track to move ahead.

But then it happened. One day Barbara and Nancy had their own dispute about who should get a particular lead, and Nancy accused Barbara of poaching on her territory. As the argument escalated, Nancy brought up Barbara's car dispute, commission misunderstanding, and some other problems Barbara had shared with her. "You have a lot of communication problems with people, don't you?" Nancy charged, and Barbara felt suddenly on the defensive, as Nancy used her previous confidences against her. Barbara also realized that Nancy's confidences over the year had pointed to a trail of problems with people. Barbara hadn't noticed the pattern before, because of her desire to help and her feelings of satisfaction at being the trusted friend.

But now Barbara suddenly found herself on the opposite side of the fence; Nancy now viewed her as one of the people who didn't perform properly. Though they continued to work in the same office, the lunch- time sharings and after-work phone chats came to an end. Instead, Barbara noticed that Nancy seemed to have an alliance with a recently hired employee. They went to lunch together, and Barbara imagined they had the same kind of conversations she once had with Nancy. Worse, Barbara worried that Nancy talked about her, and she was nervous what might happen if Nancy did well on the fast track and got promoted. Maybe someday Nancy could even be her boss.

What Should Barbara Do?

Here are some possibilities. In Barbara's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be?

• From the start, before the problem with Nancy develops, ask her not to continue to share confidences, because you feel you need to keep personal relationships out of the workplace.

• Now that problems have developed, have a heart-to-heart conversation with Nancy to air out past grievances and make peace.

• Get friendly with the recently hired employee, so Nancy can't turn that employee against you.

• Notice when Nancy messes up at work, so you can quietly tip off the boss or others to keep her from being promoted.

• Let Nancy know that if she uses any of your confidences against you, you know plenty about her you can share, to keep her from using what you told her to harm you.

• Other?

You can find yourself in a dangerous situation when someone at work starts to share personal confidences with you—and when you share your own confidences in return. It can be tempting and flattering to be let into someone else's secrets. You can enjoy hearing the latest office gossip. You can gain a sense of power, privilege, and one- ups-manship when you hear someone dis others to you, since the person telling you seems to regard you more highly; otherwise, why would he or she confide these opinions of others' poor performance?

But the danger is you could be next. You could go from trusted confidant to being the subject of a confidence to someone else, as happened to Barbara. This is a risk that is especially great when someone shares confidences about their problems with other people. They have a pattern of problems—a trail of conflicts with others. And if you walk on that trail with them for too long, you can easily be left behind on it.

What if you have already trusted your confidences to someone else, have had a conflict, and fear your confidences are in danger of slipping out? At this point the cat could easily get out of the bag and you want to keep it in there. So what to do? Probably the best strategy at this point is the "let's work it out" conversation in which you diplomatically try to patch up past misunderstandings and suggest that you both honor what you have each told each other in confidence. Don't turn this conversation into one in which you threaten to tell if the other party does. A tit-for-tat exchange can easily escalate into an even greater cycle of revenge and backstabbing. Rather, use the art of diplomacy to appeal to the other person's best instincts. You can always think of ways to strike back with a counterattack later if your "let's be nice" strategy doesn't work. But for now, just keep it sweet and gentle to work on smoothing things over, so hopefully you don't have to get rough and tough later

Conclusion

• If someone leaves a trail of conflicts with other people behind him or her, don't walk on the trail with that person. You're likely to get stuck on that trail yourself.

• Beware of the person who wants to fill you up with lots of confidences. A too-full glass can break, and you can be shattered like a broken glass yourself.

• If you do share confidences you later regret, play nice and seekan agreement to hold any confidences in secret; that way, if you can make peace now, you may not have to play rough and make war with someone who violates your confidences.