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Being able to get close to other people, depend on them, and have them depend on you

There are three sorts of people:

• Secure people, for whom intimacy and dependence are easy.

• Those who avoid commitment and intimacy — when care is needed, they run for the sidelines.

• Anxious people, who are uncertain of love and dispense care compulsively, all the time — whether their lover wants it or not.

A few minutes’ reflection should reveal which type you and any potential partner are. With two secure individuals, the prospects for a successful relationship are very good. If only one individual is secure, the odds are far less favorable, but still reasonable. If neither person is secure, the chances are poor.

If you are not secure yourself, to be happy in the long term you must select a secure partner.

Being optimistic

Do you and your prospective mate search for the silver lining or the cloud? When things are going wrong, optimists look for temporary or specific explanations — “the boss was in a foul mood” or “I was up half last night.” Pessimists assume deep-seated, permanent problems — “I’m not good at my job,” “that problem won’t go away.”

Choose an optimistic partner, or one willing to learn optimism; it can be learned.

Ability to avoid harsh argument and criticism of partner

Professor John Gottman uses a “love lab” to observe the behavior of partners. Nine times out of ten, he correctly predicts divorce.

Gottman’s danger signals are frequent fierce arguments, criticizing the mate in personal terms, showing contempt, being chilly or withdrawn, and being unable to take criticism.

Ensure that you have a trial period in which the two of you get closer without final commitment. If you experience Gottman’s signals, walk.

Agreement on basic values

Select someone who has the same basic values on fundamental issues, such as honesty, money, kindness, or whatever’s crucial to you.

Choose your lover after deep deliberation. Don’t drift into a relationship. Search far and wide for the right person. Know the few qualities that you most want in a partner. Experiment. Test whether the relationship really works before you fully commit. Take your time. There are many stages and gradations of commitment — don’t rush them. An increasing sense of certainty should develop naturally.

Any relationship only has a few vital requirements. Often we don’t enquire closely enough what these are, so we act randomly, frittering away most of our energy on actions that lead nowhere.

Good news: Focusing on the few things that matter makes all the difference between success and failure in relationships.

Action to hike happiness: In each key relationship, identify the few actions that lead to the greatest happiness. Concentrate your effort on them.

A wise friend once told me:

We are all different and things that are not important to me are often very important to my wife, and the other way round.

In our marriage, this is what really matters to her. She wants me to be home on time. She wants to always be able to rely on me. She loves flowers. She loves me supporting her in her projects. She adores surprises.

These are not necessarily the things that I would most want to do for her. I could take her to candlelit dinners, I could buy her the car I’d like myself, take her on great vacations, I could do all sorts of other things, but nothing would impress her if I haven’t met the basic few needs that mean most to her.

Don’t do for others what you would like yourself. Do what your partner wants.

Another couple has many marital problems. In a candid moment, the wife confided, “What Peter doesn’t realize is that if he just brought me home a bunch of flowers every week or two, I would do anything for him.”

How sad and unnecessary: so little effort of the right type required, such a huge reward. How many marriages are barren, loveless places because the simple needs of a partner are not being met? And yet, the springs of love could easily be unstopped and overflow again.

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