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1. A little `light` refreshment
I attend a week-long management seminar entitled ‘Management through emotional competence’. It is 8 o’clock in Bavaria and I enter the seminar hotel where the event is due to begin at 9 am. At the reception desk, I introduce myself and explain that I will be participating in the seminar. ‘Your room isn’t free yet,’ the receptionist says, though I haven’t even inquired about my room. ‘Actually, I just wanted to ask where the seminar is being held.’ &lsq...

2. With the compliments of the chef
 ‘Name?’ ‘Kinderman. I booked a table two weeks ago,’ I tell the head waiter, who is disguised as the perfect officer and gentleman. He clicks the nib of his cheap plastic biro in and out as he scans the pages of illegible entries in his thick reservations book in search of my name. I would have preferred to be greeted with a ‘Welcome’ or, ‘Good evening, madam, sir.’ After all, tonight is not just any old night. Tonight I’m taking the woman of my dreams o...

3. Coffee tea mineral water Coke and sandwiches
‘Coffee, tea, mineral water, Coke, sandwiches!’ Whenever I hear these words on a train, I automatically start grabbing deep breaths, because I know, as sure as the train’s arrival and departure times, that ‘he’ is going to smell of sweat. Knowing what’s coming, I hold my breath until he has gone past. ‘He’ is the waiter, and when he arrives I always have the same two choices: either I can opt for a session of intensive lung training (my record for holding my breath ...

4. The smallest room: a horror scenario
What do you do when you need a toilet and you are not at home? Of course you can dive into a hotel or a restaurant, but somehow that often makes me feel like a parasite. I’m afraid the head waiter is going to throw me out with the words: ‘Our washrooms are only for our paying guests, sir!’ In most places, they simply don’t appreciate how problematic a full bladder can be. So, if like me, you don’t fancy trying to sneak into a hotel or restaurant unnoticed, your only alternat...

5. Children welcome
… it said on the menu board in front of the restaurant. Whenever I read anything like this, I wonder what the Human Rights Commission in The Hague would have to say about such signs. It seems obvious to me that all guests are welcome in a restaurant, irrespective of age and height. I had two small guests with me. My son Noah was 18 months old and Christina, the daughter of friends of mine, was one week short of her third birthday. I had offered to take the two children for a meal in town so that t...

6. 35000 euros and no takers
It’s Sunday, and I’m doing what I always do on Sundays, namely reading the newspapers. Like most people, I skip the adverts, and rarely does one ever catch my eye. But today is different, and it’s all my girlfriend’s fault. ‘We need a bigger car, one where we don’t have to take the pram apart every time we need to take it with us.’ ‘Sounds like we need a people carrier,’ I reply, sighing mentally. I’ve never seen a people carrier I like. And just as my g...

7. Take a seat in the waiting room
A survey found that most executives, if asked what their weak points are, would answer ‘I’m not very patient.’ Sitting in my doctor’s waiting room, I suddenly remember that survey. At least I’m not alone. There are two other patients waiting with me, and we are all in collective waiting mode. Each one of us is reading one of the range of long-outdated magazines arranged in neat piles according to title on a table. Directly in front of me, I have three magazines to choose from: a gene...

8. A trip to the mountains
We all need to escape the hustle and bustle of everyday life once in a while, to relax and get away from it all. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the car park in front of the mountain railway station where we hoped to flee the world of business for the world of relaxation, we saw that thousands of others had had exactly the same idea. ‘Drive down to the end of the car park, and someone will direct you to a parking space, sir,’ a car park attendant dressed from head to foot in fluorescent colours ...

9. Pizza Quattro Cartone
Brrrinng! goes the doorbell. Exactly 35 minutes ago, I ordered a Pizza Quattro Stagione, a Pizza Margharita, two Insalata Caprese and two portions of tiramisu. Some evenings, when we aren’t in the mood to go out to a restaurant or are just too lazy to cook, I phone the pizza service ‘around the corner’. I say around the corner because almost all home delivery services advertise how close they are to your home and how fast their delivery service is. ‘Hello! Here is your order,...

10. An overdose of perfume
One rainy Sunday afternoon, I was doing my crossword puzzle when one of the clues gave me the idea of going to a perfumery. The clue read ‘10 Across, Animal with an unpleasant smell (5)’. My train of thought is sometimes as difficult for others to follow as the clues to a crossword puzzle. As that may be, next day finds me at the door to a perfumery. ‘Come in and find out’ the poster on the window says. I push open the door and am immediately enveloped in a cloud of sweet, ...