Positive marriage conflict sounds impossible. Conflict suggests battles, fights, disputes, and differences of opinion. How can you have conflict that's positive?

The Gottman research tells us how. Here is the secret: Start and end any 'issue' discussion on a positive note. When you do that, you have positive marriage conflict.

You only fight about resolvable issues. You achieve positive marriage conflict by eliminating irresolvable issues, and only fighting about resolvable ones. When you begin an 'issue' discussion on a positive and respectful note, you can hardly call it a 'fight.' It's a discussion between people who love each other. You listen to each other. You look for compromises. You look for winwin solutions to the issue.

You can't imagine the difference it makes when those unresolvable issues generate humor and grace, rather than anger, frustration, and hurtful accusations. Then the resolvable issues can be resolved. There is no bitterness, anger or vengeance.

Begin Issue Discussions Positively

To achieve positive marriage conflict, Dan and Susan agreed to begin all issue discussions positively, and even agreed on a "script" to use. When one of them had an issue to discuss, he or she would say, "Sweetheart, I want to have a few minutes of your time to discuss __________. I want us both to be in a positive and loving mood. Would you like to do it now, or wait until you feel more receptive?"

The important parts are:

1. "I want to have a discussion about (some resolvable issue)."

2. "We'll have a better outcome if both of us are in a positive and loving mood."

3. "I feel ready now, do you? If not, when can we schedule it?" If you and your partner are working together on creating a happy marriage that lasts, you can work out a process that works for both of you, to achieve positive marriage conflict.

Use positives and avoid negatives during the discussion

This is the hard part for lots of people. It's difficult for anyone to accept anything that feels like criticism, and even if you use "I" messages instead of "You" messages, some people only hear implied criticism.

For example:

"I'm feeling frustrated because the garbage wasn't put out for pick up, and now we'll have to wait until next week's pickup and the can is full. What can we do together to assure the garbage always gets put out on schedule?"

That's a whole lot better than using "You" messages: "You forgot to put the garbage out again. You said you would take care of the garbage, and you haven't." The "You" messages tend to be more accusatory, and more like criticism. It's hard not to go on the defensive, and get angry. (Side Note: I've spent many years trying to find ways to teach "Active Listening" to adults, and few of them really learned to use Active Listening effectively. Also, I'm no longer sure it works, even if used effectively. The studies show decidedly mixed results. Still, the "I" messages are a lot less likely to give rise to anger and defensiveness than "You" messages.) I now believe the positive start, the effort to be positive, and an "abort" agreement is the safest process for everyone.

What's an "Abort" Agreement?

If either person feels angry feelings rising, or their heartbeat races, or they feel upset, or hurt, or unloving or negative, they can ask to abort the discussion for 30 minutes or longer, and use some calming technique that will bring them back down to a calm and positive mode. With couples working together, each will understand what is happening, and how the Abort is really a loving attempt to avoid any transactions that may be damaging to the relationship.

End Issue Discussions Positively

To assure positive marriage conflict discussions, it's helpful to learn and practice some good positive endings.

Examples: "Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me on this issue." "I'm happy that we could find a win-win solution to the issue." "I love you and I appreciate your being willing to work through these discussions in a positive and loving way."

Alternatives for Item 2

"We didn't find a solution that will work for both of us yet, but I think we will find one eventually."

"We made a lot of progress, and each of us is willing to make concessions. We'll get back to it again."

What do You do if You or Your Partner Just Can't do it?

One couple found they were not able to do it. They tried again and again, but always ended up feeling angry or having some other bad feeling. Finally, they decided to hold 'issue' discussions by email. Whenever one of them wanted to start an issue discussion that might lead to a fight, he or she would go to the computer and compose an email to the other. They agreed that the person who wanted the discussion would start the email with something loving, warm, and respectful, such as:

"Dearest Sweetbuns. Love of my life, friend and co-parent of two lovely children: I have a request to make of you. Please, next Tuesday, think of something you can do to remind yourself to take the garbage out. The can is full, and we must now wait a week until the next pickup. If there is anything I can do to help you remember — without seeming to nag — I'd be happy to do it. Just ask. I appreciate so much that you've agreed to handle the garbage, and everything else you do to make our lives and marriage happier. You're a joy to be married to."

Every email would start in a positive and respectful place, and end with appreciation and a loving note.

Both of them reported that the act of typing a positive, loving beginning seemed to make their anger, hurt, or other bad feeling disappear. The fellow said he even got a laugh out of writing outrageously "over the top" sentiments at the beginning and end, and he could never stay angry about whatever the issue was.

Using email may seem like an extreme step, but both people felt it made "a world of difference" in how they felt about each other. They had found a way to completely stop potentially dangerous fighting. They proved that you really can achieve positive marriage conflict discussions, even if you can't talk face to face, without fighting