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Being a good guest isn’t all sipping cool drinks and lounging on the furniture. It takes a certain amount of care to do it right. Whether you’ve been invited for drinks, for dinner, or for the weekend, treat your hosts as thoughtfully as you hope to be treated by them.

DINNER AND OTHER PARTIES

1. Learn some French. RSVP stands for respondez s’il vous plait. Literally, it means “please respond,” but the practical translation comes down to this: “Hey, tell me if you’re coming or not, because I have food to buy and chairs to borrow!” If the invitation asks for your response by a certain date, call your host by then—he really does need to know. Only when an invitation says “regrets only” is it okay to say nothing and just show up.

2. Forget “fashionably late.” Promptness is very chic—and the mark of a really great guest. If you’re going to a dinner party, where timing can be critical for the host, it’s rude, not fashionable, to arrive more than ten to fifteen minutes late. If the event is a cocktail or informal party, you can push the margin considerably more—to half or three quarters past the appointed hour. Never show up early.

3. Don’t be shy. Even if you are a bit bashful, struggle out of your shell, if only as a kindness to your host. He’s hoping guests will mingle and enjoy themselves. If you don’t know anyone, start by asking the person next to you how she knows the host. This opening gambit often leads smoothly to other topics and chances are you’ll soon be chatting away. Don’t spend an entire party talking exclusively to one person.

4. Free the host. Chat with the host and hostess, but don’t monopolize them. Their mingling responsibilities are even heavier than yours!

5. Be gentle. Remember that you’re a guest in someone else’s home. This isn’t the time to pound your fist on the table to make a point, to speak harshly to other guests, or, God forbid, to correct their children.

6. Enjoy the food. You don’t have to stuff yourself, or ingest any foods you loathe or are allergic to. But there’s no need to announce your vegetarianism at the start of a pig roast, or your aversion to fish as you arrive at a clambake. If you have severe allergies to common foods, tell your host ahead of time which foods could make you seriously ill. Otherwise, eat what you can and confine your discussion of the food to offering compliments to the cook.

7. Greet the host. If you’ve slipped into a large party unnoticed by a preoccupied host, find and greet him before you launch yourself into the festivities. By the same token, don’t leave without seeking out your host or hostess to say good-bye and tell them how much you’ve enjoyed yourself.

8. Give thanks. Even if you’ve thanked them profusely the evening of the party, it’s good manners to telephone the next day and thank your hosts for a good time. A handwritten note isn’t required, but it’s a gracious touch.

9. Nix the flowers. Not entirely, of course. But arriving at a party with flowers in hand can put extra pressure on a busy host. He’ll have to put aside other pressing duties to find a vase, cut stems, and arrange flowers. If you like, you could transport a bouquet already arranged in a vase. Otherwise, it’s better to send flowers before or after the party.

10. Watch for your cues. Do this and you’ll avoid faux pas and endear yourself to the host. Go in to dinner when the host announces it’s ready (guests who worry about “going first” can drive a host crazy); wait for the host or hostess to lift a fork before you start eating; take “no” for an answer if your offer of assistance is declined; and notice when the host has stopped refilling glasses or introducing new topics of conversation. That’s your cue to say “Thanks and good night.”

WEEKENDS AND OVERNIGHT STAYS

Being a delightful houseguest is an art. In theory, you are an honored and pampered, albeit temporary, resident of the household. In practice, you are likely to be honored only if you don’t expect to be pampered. A delightful houseguest does his level best to make no special demands. He is helpful or out of the way, talkative or quiet, and always game for anything—depending on the requirements of the moment. And he accomplishes this skillful feat while appearing to have the time of his life. But that’s not all. A really great houseguest, the kind who is invited again and again:

1. Arrives and departs on schedule to avoid inconveniencing his hosts or putting them through the embarrassment of prompting him to depart.

2. Keeps his room neat and bed made, no matter what his habits are at home.

3. Leaves the bathroom immaculate, whether or not he shares it with other members of the household.

4. Gamely pitches in to help out with a variety of household chores—stirring the soup, changing a light bulb, wiping up a spill, taking out the trash, setting the table, and so forth.

5. Resourcefully entertains himself with a book, walk, nap, errand, or other independent activity to allow his hosts privacy and relaxation time during his visit.

6. Hosts a meal. Not only does he not expect home-cooked meals every night of his visit, he offers to take his hosts to dinner once or twice, depending on the length of his stay.

7. Occupies himself quietly if the hosts are asleep and he is wide awake.

8. Removes the sheets from his bed the day of his departure and remakes the bed with the spread. Stacks used sheets and towels neatly in his room.

9. Thanks his hosts with a thoughtfully chosen gift and gracious note.