… it said on the menu board in front of the restaurant. Whenever I read anything like this, I wonder what the Human Rights Commission in The Hague would have to say about such signs. It seems obvious to me that all guests are welcome in a restaurant, irrespective of age and height.

I had two small guests with me. My son Noah was 18 months old and Christina, the daughter of friends of mine, was one week short of her third birthday. I had offered to take the two children for a meal in town so that the two mothers could enjoy an undisturbed shopping spree.

‘Smoking or non-smoking?’ the waiter asked me in a very professional tone, as I entered the restaurant flanked by the two children. The Americans’ answer to that question would be: ‘Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool!’

‘Non-smoking,’ I answer and am shown to a table for two while I try to stop Christina running off in the opposite direction and Noah grabbing food from other tables. Before I can ask, the waiter says: ‘I’m sorry, but we only have three high chairs, and they are all in use at the moment.’ Uh, huh, I think to myself. Children are welcome, but you don’t provide kiddiesized chairs for them. My son is such a live wire that only a high chair could save me from a very taxing trial of nerves, but the waiter has just robbed me of all my illusions.

I order a mixed salad, for Noah a very small portion of spaghetti with tomato sauce (his favourite). ‘We have a children’s menu,’ the waiter proudly announces. But Noah doesn’t want the Mickey Mouse Menu, just a small portion of spaghetti with tomato sauce. Christina is quite capable of ordering her own meal. At just three years of age, she has a vocabulary of 8,000 words, can read, and can decide for herself what she wants and what she doesn’t want. Yet I have rarely found a restaurant where the staff hand the children the menu or take their orders directly. They usually only communicate with the children via their parents. Children notice this, however, and can be damning in their judgement.

‘Careful! The plates are very hot!’ someone says from behind me, and instinctively, I spread my arms out left and right to prevent Noah and Christina burning themselves. ‘Sorry, but you can’t seriously be going to serve two small children their meals on hot plates. Don’t you have children’s plates?’ ‘No,’ the waiter answers in an exasperated tone, ‘but I could tip it onto another plate.’

Something smells bad around here. It can’t be the food; the first couple of bites were delicious. Just as I thought: the unpleasant odour is coming from Noah’s nappy. While Christina tucks into her plate of Uncle-Dagobert’s Treasure, I grab my son and dash off to the Ladies. Yes, you read right. The Ladies. You never find a changing table in the men’s toilets. So I fix that apologetic, strained smile on my face again and walk through the door, to meet strained smiles from the women reflected in the make-up mirror. I say the make-up mirror because they don’t even have changing tables in the Ladies here. As if I hadn’t already noticed just how welcome the little ones are in this restaurant.

Not long after arriving back at my table, I ask for the bill, and when it comes, I see that they have charged the full price for Noah’s tiny portion of spaghetti. Children’s portions are only available from the children’s menu. If you order anything else, you pay the full adult price.

Two small diners and one grown-up guest leave the restaurant, relieved. ‘Well, did you three have a good time?’ the two mums ask as they hug their offspring. My face must have spoken volumes, because they didn’t wait for an answer.

Amazingly good!

The following examples show that there is a better way. A hotel in an Austrian resort has a Children’s Club with trained staff. The special service here is that, when they check in, parents are given a bleeper so that the babysitter can get in touch with them at any time. This way, they don’t need to worry how their children are. In another restaurant, the children’s playground is right next to the garden patio, so parents can keep an eye on their children at all times. At one very child-friendly restaurant, the chef collects children from the restaurant whenever he can and gives them a tour of the kitchens. At this restaurant, children can also sit and eat at their own colourful children’s table, separate from their parents.