What do you do when someone you have trusted with information turns around and uses that information to advance his or her own career? Worse, what if that person tries to go into competition with you? The problem can occur whether you hire someone, work with a partner, or team up with someone in your own company. You provide the ideas and leadership; then someone co-opts your ideas or takes the credit. Unless you want to let that person get away with it, you've got to do something. But what?

That was Bill's dilemma when he teamed up with a partner from another company. His own small product development company needed some help in turning a design into a new product, and Bill was assigned to find an outside design company to help develop the idea and make the prototype on a partnership basis. Bill's boss Ralph felt the company was too busy with current orders and production to do the additional design work, and Bill thought he knew the perfect person to do this— Jerry, who had previously worked in his department, but had recently started his own small design company. Who better to work with on the highly secret product design than a former co-worker who had become a friend? Bill and Jerry still talked on the phone every few weeks and went out for an occasional drink to catch up on old times.

When Bill contacted Jerry he expressed great enthusiasm for creating the prototype. "Sure, I'm your man," he said, explaining that he could jump right on the project and give it priority attention, since it had been slow getting his new company off the ground. He also talked about how he could help Bill's company sell and promote the idea once the prototype was ready, pointing out that he had been putting together his own Web site and database to promote his own company.

So Bill thought the arrangement was ideal, and a few days later he dropped off the plans for the prototype. He also gave Jerry a short- partnership letter that described how their two companies would split any proceeds 50–50 after deducting costs.

Thus, everything seemed fine when Bill reported the arrangement to his boss, Ralph, who also thought it was a good choice. "A great way to help out a former employee," Ralph commented. "Keep it all in the family."

At first everything seemed to go smoothly. Jerry gave Bill reports of how things were going every few days, describing how he was using the illustrations and blueprints Bill gave him to make preliminary and then final models. But after a few weeks Jerry called to say he was unexpectedly ill and had to go into the hospital for tests.

Bill tried to be understanding, especially since Jerry was an old friend and had already spent several weeks on the project. Besides, Bill told his boss Ralph, "We're so far along. It'll only be a few more weeks." So they waited, holding off their own planned introduction of the product, while Jerry recovered at home and gradually resumed working on the project.

Or was that actually what happened? Bill suddenly began to wonder himself, when one day he was doing some research on the Internet, recalled how Jerry had mentioned he was designing a Web site to promote his new company, and decided to check it out. And there on one of Jerry's Web pages was an announcement of a great new product line he was introducing—with photographs that looked very much like the product design illustrations he had originally brought to Jerry. When Bill called Jerry, Jerry seemed flustered as he first stammered and stumbled, but then quickly recovered and offered an explanation: "Oh, I was just going to help promote our project, since I said I could help promote it. So I thought I'd test out some photos on my site."

But was that really the case? Bill hung up feeling like he had caught a kid with his hands in the cookie jar. He wasn't even sure if Jerry had really been ill or just buying time to run with the idea himself, and he wasn't sure what to do now.

What Should Bill Do?

Here are some possibilities. In Bill's place, what would you do and why? What do you think the outcomes of these different options would be?

• Accept Jerry's explanation and figure he was just flustered, because he was surprised before he was ready to tell you about his Web site.

• Talk to Ralph and tell him what happened, so he can deal with Jerry.

• Call Jerry to say that you don't believe his explanation that he was just trying to promote the design as partners, and tell him the partnership is over.

• Arrange a meeting with Jerry to share your suspicions that Jerry was trying to promote the model as his own and maybe wasn't even sick, and give Jerry the benefit of the doubt.

• Call a lawyer to send Jerry a cease and desist order and formally dissolve any partnership.

• Other?

Unfortunately, betrayals can be tricky when you think you have been shafted by someone, but aren't really sure. When the possible betrayal involves a co-worker or friend you have trusted for a long time, the situation is even worse. You can feel torn between wanting to give the person the benefit of the doubt and feeling even more betrayed, because this isn't just a working arrangement gone sour but a personal relationship on the rocks, too.

In this case, as I advised Bill, a first step is to separate your feelings of betrayal from what actually happened, and then, after considering reasonable possibilities, trust your gut. Also, Bill should consider that if Jerry tried to pursue the project on his own, maybe to kick-start his struggling company, and lied about doing this, he might lie again in any confrontation. So barring bringing in a PI to investigate what really happened, Bill might never know Jerry's true intentions in posting an announcement about the new product.

At the very least, Jerry is guilty of not telling Bill about his promotional ideas. But knowing the importance of keeping this project secret until ready to launch, why would Jerry not at least ask Bill if it was okay to post such an announcement? In short, even giving Jerry the benefit of the doubt, what he did is either the result of poor communication or bad judgment. It also seems likely that Jerry might have had a good economic reason to do what he did, even if it meant shafting a former co-worker and friend. After all, his company is struggling; Bill has just brought him plans and he is able to make the product; and there's only a short letter of understanding from Bill's company about partnership proceeds. It's reasonable that he could have thought he might run with the idea himself, and Bill's gut feeling of betrayal could very probably be right. But even if the betrayal cannot be proved, once you do have those strong feelings of betrayal, there's probably little hope of restoring trust. Bill would probably continue to question Jerry's intentions and loyalty, and so any partnership is very likely doomed.

Thus, Bill should focus on the best way of ending the relationship as smoothly as possible and doing what he can for damage control to prevent Jerry from capitalizing on the project. And that's what he did. He first went to Ralph to explain the situation, since Ralph had previously employed Jerry and had given his go-ahead on Jerry's involvement. Then, he set up a meeting to have a discussion with Jerry, giving him a chance to explain his side of what happened. Even though he didn't trust what Jerry was saying, the meeting was at least a way for Jerry to save face by claiming he had good intentions in setting up the Web site promotion.

Then, Bill explained that because of what happened, whatever Jerry's intentions in posting the page on the site, he didn't have the same good feelings about working with Jerry as a partner any longer. Nevertheless, he hoped to work out something to compensate Jerry for his time in making the model. And so without the need for expensive lawyers and in a spirit of "let's both make the best of a bad situation," a deal was struck. Bill paid Jerry a small amount, terminated the partnership, and got the model from him, along with a signed agreement that Jerry wouldn't try to sell a product with the same design. Bill knew he could always monitor Jerry's Web site to make sure he complied, which he did over the next few months.

The problem was resolved fairly quickly, and Bill felt comfortable that the main loss was his feeling of trust in Jerry, along with what he had once considered a continuing friendship with a former co-worker. Even though Jerry later sent him some photographs he had taken of the model with the note: "Just thought you might be able to use these" as a peace gesture, Bill didn't speak to Jerry again. But he did use the photos. Why not? He and his company had more than paid for them in the feelings of betrayal and loss of trust that lingered long after the incident was over. Later on, when others in the industry came to Bill or Ralph asking about Jerry's work, since they knew he had once worked at their company, they simply said they couldn't recommend him, without explaining why. Jerry never did get his struggling company off the ground. He had been betrayed by his own likely betrayal, even if Bill didn't know for sure, but just had an intuition about it.

Likewise, if you are in a similar situation where you feel someone you trusted has betrayed you, say by using work you have done without giving you credit or fair compensation, a good approach is to find ways to make the best of the situation. You may not have solid proof; the person may come up with innocent explanations. But if you still feel a strong sense that the person isn't being honest with you and is just coming up with cover up excuses, you could very well be right. Our intuition often works as a survival mechanism to give us feelings when something isn't right and it's best to get away.

Thus, if you believe strongly that a betrayal has occurred, it's best to operate on the principle that you can't trust this person again in the future. For once trust is gone, it's often gone for good. What takes weeks and years to build can quickly evaporate in a moment, like a sudden break in a strong bridge. You might have crossed it many times while it was standing; but once it quickly crumbles down, it takes years to repair.

Therefore, assuming trust is gone, try to end things as diplomatically and finally as possible, such as by negotiating some kind of end-it agreement, so you part on relatively good terms. There's no need to have to prove it or bring in the lawyers, except as a last resort. Rather, as Bill did, seek a comfortable way to disengage and then move on. You might, as one person once told me, put what's in the past in your rear-view mirror. Then, look forward and drive ahead.

Conclusion

• Once trust is gone, it's gone. It's very difficult to bring it back, and it's hard to want to try.

• When you feel someone has betrayed you, give him a chance to explain, though don't necessarily believe him. Consider the facts and what you feel in your gut.

• Betrayals are like broken bridges; but rather than blowing them up because they're broken, think of ways to repair them or defuse the damage. Then look for another bridge that's solid for an easier, surer crossing in the future.

• When a betrayer gets caught, he or she can be like the kidfound with a hand in the cookie jar who says "I didn't do it" to get your approval and acceptance again. But while it's good to clean up the crumbs by being diplomatic, it's best not to provide the betrayer with another chance at the cookie jar; it's better to close it up tight and move on.