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The word family is a loaded term for many sexual minority people because a number of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals have been disowned or otherwise “kicked out” by their families when their sexual identity became known. Therefore, in the GLBT community one often talks about one’s “family of origin,” meaning the family one was born into or grew up in. One might also talk about one’s “chosen family,” meaning the family that we form as adults (Mallon, 1998). This family of choice may or may not be intergenerational and may include one’s partner, former partners, and special friends.

BECOMING A PARENT

It is commonplace to refer to two people in a relationship as a couple. And in heterosexual society, when that couple decides to add a child, it is often referred to as “starting a family.” Some childless couples dispute this terminology, arguing that a couple is a family. What is a bisexual family? For our purposes, a bisexual family is a family with a bisexual adult member.

When a bisexual person is a parent, family issues come to the forefront. Many bisexual people become parents with opposite-sex partners. For those who are single or are in same-sex partnerships, however, the first question may be, “How do I become a parent?” Bisexual people who are in relationships with a person of the same sex have the same issues as lesbian and gay couples who wish to have children. How does one become a parent? Essentially, the answers are the same for each group. A bisexual woman who is single or partnered with another woman can become pregnant several ways. She (or her partner) might have sex with a man, use alternative insemination techniques, or in cases of infertility, use in vitro fertilization. Minimal involvement of a man is required. Or she could adopt as a single person. In each case the biological mother or the adoptive mother is the legal parent of the child. While most states will allow single people to adopt, and most will even allow bisexual, gay, and lesbian people to adopt, most states will not allow a same-sex couple to adopt a child together. However, a child being parented by two same-sex parents (who has no other legal parent) may be adopted by the nonlegal parent (the one who did not give birth or adopt) in about half of the states in the United States. This is referred to as a secondparent adoption.

Options for bisexual men who are single or who are partnered with other men are more limited. Their opportunities for adoption are similar to those of bisexual women. However, if a man wants to “father” a child, he must rely on a woman. Unless a friend or relative volunteers to carry a child for him, the reproductive technologies available (i.e., surrogacy) can be extraordinarily expensive.

THE OPPOSITE-SEX-HEADED HOUSEHOLD

Once a child is born or adopted, one has a family that looks like either a heterosexual family or a gay or lesbian family. An opposite-sex bisexual family with a child is going to appear for all intents and purposes to be a heterosexual family. That is the family that people expect. That is the family that school and government forms are designed to accommodate. Laws regarding parental rights, child support, and inheritance encourage that model of family. Therefore, it might be that the primary problem such a family has to deal with is invisibility. If one or both parents are bisexual and want to claim that as an important part of their identities, then the issue may well be recognition. It will not be hard for this family to be included in the heterosexual community. But if the family wishes to become involved with the GLBT community, it will probably have to make a concerted effort and may have to assert the right to be included; otherwise its invisibility makes it easily ignored or overlooked. In recent years many organizations that once described themselves only as gay and/or lesbian have added bisexual and transgender to their names. Other organizations have gone with the more generic, all-encompassing term queer. Even though these organizations have changed their names, however, some have been slow to actually reach out to bisexual and transgender people. Nor have they necessarily made changes within their organizations to be more accommodating to the issues that these additional groups may bring to the table.

THE SAME-SEX-HEADED HOUSEHOLD

Bisexual families with same-sex partners as parents often present as lesbianheaded or gay-headed households. The issues for these families will be more complex, as there are many in society who do not believe that gay and lesbian people should be parents. The social policies of the United States are not designed for same-sex families. In some states a couple who have been together since before their child’s conception, who planned to have a family together, and who both contribute to the parenting and fiscal support of the family may not both be allowed to be legal parents of the child. Few states allow a same-sex couple to adopt a child. Three states—Florida, Utah, and Mississippi—specifically prohibit gay and lesbian couples and/or individuals from adopting, and only about half of all states have permitted second-parent adoptions2 (Human Rights Campaign Foundation, 2002; McClellan, 1997). Though children today live in a multitude of family structures, most schools are unprepared for the two-mother or two-father household. The school’s preprinted forms often do not accommodate the reality of the child’s family. The school personnel are neither educated about GLBT people nor do they protect children from the constant barrage of gay slurs that are part of most schoolyard conversation.

As a result, bisexual parents and other parents in same-sex relationships must make special efforts to ensure the safety and security of their children. They must execute legal documents—guardianships, wills, and parenting agreements—that protect their children’s rights and their rights as parents. They must go to the schools, speak to the teachers and administrators, educate them about their family and families like theirs. They must be vigilant on behalf of their children. And then, at some point around middle school, many parents find that they must step back and allow their child to be the one to choose how “out” to be about his or her family. This too can be a difficult experience for parents as the child tries to fit in with his or her peers and avoid appearing to be different in some way.

EFFECT ON THE CHILDREN

At some point when sexuality is being discussed, the “out” parent may want to explain his or her sexual identity to the child. This will probably happen sooner in a same-sex-headed household, because the child will be aware at a younger age that the family is different. Children reared in GLBT households are more likely to have accepting attitudes toward people with a sexual minority status and are more likely to consider their own sexual orientation rather than just assume that they are heterosexual (O’Connell, 1999; Tasker & Golombok, 1997). Historically, a number of concerns have been expressed regarding children reared by same-sex parents. Recent research has addressed such topics as the child’s being raised to be homosexual (Bailey, Bobrow, Wolfe, & Mikachi, 1995; Patterson, 1992), the child’s being sexually abused by the parents (Bigner, 1996; Patterson, 1992), or the child’s suffering from gender confusion (Gottman, 1990; Johnson & O’Connor, 2001; Patterson, 1992, 1994). However, the rather definitive body of work regarding children raised in gay- and lesbian-headed families indicates that these concerns are unfounded (Appleby & Anastas, 1998; Falk, 1993; Green & Bozett, 1991; Patterson, 1995; Turner, Scadden, & Harris, 1990). Children reared in heterosexual-headed households and those reared in gay/lesbianheaded households show few, if any, significant developmental differences. There has been little research focused on children raised by bisexual parents (Appleby & Anastas, 1998). One might assume that since there are few significant developmental differences between children raised by heterosexual parents and those raised by gay/lesbian parents, the same would be true for children raised by bisexual parents, but as yet there is no empirical evidence to confirm that assumption.

SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

A significant number of couples separate and divorce whether they are legally married or not, whether they are heterosexual couples, bisexual couples, gay couples, or lesbian couples. When children are involved, the breakup often has long-term repercussions. Child custody may be the primary issue in a bisexual family with opposite-sex parents. This is particularly true if the bisexual parent subsequently becomes involved in a same-sex relationship. Many judges exhibit prejudice in such situations. Often the heterosexual parent will be assumed to be the best custodial parent for a child simply because he or she is heterosexual. The fear of losing custody of one’s children has kept many bisexual, gay, and lesbian parents in abusive or otherwise unhappy marriages.

Fortunately, case law is changing, and the courts have made some favorable decisions for bisexual, lesbian, and gay parents in recent years. Some judges have stated in their opinions that homosexuality of the parent was inconsequential in determining the best interests of the child. In a few jurisdictions gay and lesbian couples are being permitted to adopt children as a couple instead of one member of the couple adopting as an individual. In April 2000 the New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that the former partner of a lesbian mother was entitled to visitation with the twins she had co-parented since their birth (Johnson & O’Connor, 2001). Another significant sign of change is that second-parent adoptions have been granted in about half of the states in the United States, as well as in Canada and England (Arnup, 1997; McClellan, 1997).

Children of divorce with opposite-sex parents face additional issues when one parent becomes involved in a same-sex relationship. Children are socialized to heterosexism at an early age. In addition to the usual trauma of divorce, the child in such a situation must reconcile the image of the parent with the very negative image of gay, lesbian, or bisexual people. Young children adapt to this change more easily than older, latency-age children do. It may take considerable time for an older child to understand and accept this new view of his or her parent. When a bisexual relationship of same-sex parents ends, child custody may again become the primary concern. In this case it is likely that only one of the parents is the legal parent of the child. Or perhaps, if there are multiple children, each adult is the legal parent of different children. In any case, there may be significant fear of losing involvement with the children. When a legal, heterosexual parent loses custody of a child, he or she normally has significant visitation rights. However, when a nonlegal parent of a child separates from the child’s legal parent, there is usually no legal right to maintain contact with that child. On the other hand, a legal parent who has been raising a child with a nonlegal parent and has been dependent on that person for a home and financial support may find himself or herself in significant financial distress as a single parent. Just as the nonlegal parent has no parental rights, in the absence of a parenting agreement the nonlegal parent often has no legal obligation to provide support.

Not all separations between bisexual parents and their partners result in child custody disputes. The majority of opposite-sex and same-sex parents who separate come to a mutual understanding and agreement regarding the welfare of their children (Becker, 1988). Parenting books for same-sex parents discourage separating couples from taking their custody cases to court, since the authors recognize that the courts are not designed to deal with such families (Clunis & Green, 1995). And yet many couples find it difficult to be objective and fair at this juncture in their relationship. Social workers acting as mediators in these circumstances can help couples understand the needs of their children so they may put their children’s welfare first.