One rainy Sunday afternoon, I was doing my crossword puzzle when one of the clues gave me the idea of going to a perfumery. The clue read ‘10 Across, Animal with an unpleasant smell (5)’. My train of thought is sometimes as difficult for others to follow as the clues to a crossword puzzle.

As that may be, next day finds me at the door to a perfumery. ‘Come in and find out’ the poster on the window says. I push open the door and am immediately enveloped in a cloud of sweet, heavy perfume. I have hardly gone three steps when I am welcomed by two sales assistants dressed in what look like nurses’ uniforms and escorted up the two steps into the sales area. ‘How can I help you?’ one of the two ladies asks me, giving the other a look that clearly signifies ‘My customer.’ ‘I’m looking for a new perfume – or rather, a new aftershave,’ I tell the lady in white. She reminds me of Snow White with her immaculate make-up, her scarlet lips and her black hair combed severely back.

‘Are you looking for something specific?’ asks Snow White, and draws me with her to a set of shelves stretching to the ceiling, at least two metres wide and full of shiny bottles and expensive-looking boxes.

‘Not really,’ I answer, and Snow White rattles of a list of possibilities that makes my head reel: ‘Would you prefer something tangy and spicy or something sweeter, with flowery overtones – something fresh or lingering, something with a headier note or something sweeter and subtler, more lively?’ ‘Umm – I’m just looking for something masculine, something classic and neutral,’ I state firmly. Snow White’s cheeks start to heat up.

‘Then I would recommend this one.’ With a theatrical gesture, she sprays aftershave on a white goose quill and holds it directly under my nose. The strong smell of alcohol makes my nostrils twitch. I put on the look I use to impress wine waiters, the connoisseur look. ‘Or this one,’ she says, spraying another quill with another scent. And she keeps on spraying feather after feather with aftershave and waving it under my nose until I can’t take it any more. Stop! The membranes in my nose feel swollen, and I’ve smelt so many aftershaves I can’t remember which one I liked best. What I need now is a deep breath of fresh, clear and perfume-free air, and so I flee the perfumery – without my new aftershave! Of course, on my way out, Snow White presses a few trial samples in little glass phials into my hand.

I remember the poster on the window, ‘Come in and find out’ – they couldn’t have been more wrong. ‘Come in and run out’ is more like it. I hear the familiar ding-dong as the door opens, releasing me at last. I take a deep breath – the air is filled with the wonderful smell of fresh-baked rolls. ‘Time for elevenses!’ I think and turn my steps towards the bakery next door.

Amazingly good!

A well-known perfumery in a popular shopping mall has a special room with optimum ventilation. Customers are handed labelled, perfumed cards by the staff and take them to this room, where they can sniff them at their leisure while enjoying light refreshments.

A perfumery in Germany gave all its best customers a copy of the book Perfume by Patrick Süskind as a Christmas gift.